Disclaimer: I left themajorityof the more offensive Irish jokes to the end, but one of the lads sent me this in a text and I thought it was gas (Irish slang for funny)! The Irishman reaches in, picks the fly out, holds it up close to his face and shouts, Spit it out you little bastard.. - Irish donkey. Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I have no clue what it is! You must have something on that represents Christmas to get in. Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. Im gonna pretend Ive gone mad! He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts, Im a lightbulb, Im a lightbulb! Murphy watches in amazement. had in his hands. Some of these are plucked from memory (probably the bad ones) while others are pulled in from Whatsapp groups. Go home, Dad, youre pissed!, A man is walking down the street in Dublin when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says cruises on Liffey River $100. Mike Reid - The Donkey Joke. The tourist is so disgusted that he drives off. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded and that the one other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. No wonder you got it at half price, Mick laughed. The woman never batted an eye. When they're being ridden! Related reads:See our guides to the best Irish toasts for drinks, weddings and more. Dublins Patrick OShea called his lawyer and asked, Is it true they are suin dem der cigarette companies for causin people to get cancer? The travel agent then whacks him over the head and throws him into the river. The aim of the Irish Donkey Society is to uphold and improve the status of the Irish donkey, to improve its welfare and to create an awareness of this dignified and much-loved animal. Hes a leprechaun. There is this American tourist on a trip Share 11K. Kelly is back and sees Mrs. O'Brien with 3 little ones walkin' and twins in a pram. Morty Applebaum bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. How does Winnie the Pooh's friend paddle his boat? "Who told you that?" Paddy asked. They each ask the barman for a pint of Guinness. P.S Dont forget to like our Facebook page on Irish jokes, Categories Ireland, Irish Humor, Irish Jokes, Irish Memes, Irish Pictures, Irish Poem: To A Child Dancing In The Wind, By W. B. Yeats, Incantata, By Paul Muldoon An Irish Poem About A Friend And Their Strength. Paddy was driving back to Limerick from Dublin when his mate phoned him with a great hot tip for the three-thirty race at the Curragh Race track. What did the waiter say to the donkey? They dont, says the Irishman. Oh, all right. the Englishman says sullenly. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. Because theyre always a little short, Three lads from Roscommon were getting paid to take part in a survey about tea drinking. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. Pinterest. his advice and was well pleased with the result. Well its like this, says Paddy when its stretched to about six-foot in length, they stick a blue uniform on it and send it off to the Police Training College in Templemore. As he does so, two tees fall from his shirt pocket onto the ground. Miss OLeary, he says, you havent made a single payment on your new windows. Eoin English. I'm SICK OF BEING YOUR MULE! Two Irish men are looking through a catalogue. Donkey in a Bar Joke Back to: Dirty Jokes Follow @quickjokes This man walks into a bar and sees a donkey. Portrait of a cute highland cattle. . So do not take any personally!! Murphy, Collins and Vella are drinking in a pub when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at Collins, shouting. ", There were two donkeys in a field. Shipping from Europe / Shipping from the USA To this day, he has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.. Two lads were on opposite sides of the river Lee in Cork. The priest waits for Finnegan to start talking. "Why? The man, donkey, and his guard dog now begin the long trip up a mountain to get to the other side. I got this done in Dublin. Paddy walks into a bar and asks for ten shots of the establishments finest single malt scotch. Soon after that, Another Irish man entered the confessional. Jo is a work-from-home mum to two boys. If not go to 30 feet away and then 20 feet and so on until you get a response. The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a, Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again, Ill Chop his, You cant do that, says the Irishman. The whole family will love the play on words with these mule puns. A winegl-a** is a donkey with drinking problems. He invited her to sit down. Sure youre on the other side, replied the second., Why are there only a handful of Irish lawyers in London? Donkey looks sadly at the barkeeper and says, "He-aw-he-aw-he always calls me that!" A man crosses the border each morning on a donkey and each day, his donkey is loaded with only bags of straw. Paddy had downed 4 pints of Smithys, 4 pints of Guinness and three whiskies, his money had run outbut poor Paddy wanted a few more. He went to the dance and stood around, trying to build up his courage. "No, but he aw he aw he aw he always calls me that." Score: 310 It is used by an Italian singer in his song. Check out our irish donkey gift selection for the very best in unique or custom, handmade pieces from our shops. pint, then silently stands up, walks to the door, opens it and leaves. Soon after that, Another Irish man entered the confessional. He is currently writing his soon to be a best-selling novel. Portrait of a cute highland cattle with close up of damp nose and mouth. Emphasis onsome. Wasnt always that way, replied Mick. What do you call a donkey that keeps time? She is also passionate about passing on her love for knowledge to her sons through learning and having adventure. Two Irishmen were walking out of a funeral. The door opened, and a young blonde stepped out. They all go The preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. Those on foot would cross the street. Theres a dance over at the club, he said. . The Irishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The Smart Bettor. Template with funny dancing people in. F*ck this, shouted Anto as he ran out of the room. Father, it has been two months since my last confession. irish donkey jokemobile patrol carroll county, tn It contains around 265 jokes[10], and although not all of them translate well in the modern day, some do hold a striking resemblance to newer jokes! In the week before Christmas, she sauntered up to the counter and was trying to decide which of the many types of tinsel she would buy. The bartender asks him, Why did you do that? And Paddy replies, Well, the first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick. The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. Once he eventually caught up to her, he asked why the hell she ran away like that. This section is just for you. He thought and thought of a way to get a few more Euros. Boy, that leprechaun sure is an ugly little bastard! he says. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total," says the genie. What do you get when you cross an optometrist convention and a donkey auction? Some jokes can be so bad that theyre actually good. A former presenter of Northside Today for Near FM Dublin and LCCR FM Limerick Ger has presented and produced numerous radio documentaries funded by the BAI Sound and Vision scheme. Everything is riding on this question. Bray Watch! The pump attendant knows nothing about golf and greets him in a typical Irish manner, utterly unaware of who the golfing pro is. Seamus looked rather glum when asked about the toilet brush. Jaysus shes in bits, so she is.. Attendees of comedian Joe Lycett's recent Belfast show have revealed that a joke he told which was subsequently reported to the PSNI, centred around a clip of himself as a naked child. Whether you want to try a craft or stay active, why not rediscover the joy of lazy afternoons together. Horse and Donkey : Jokes - reddit And to help encourage the fun, check out this selection of hilarious family-friendly donkey jokes that will have children and parents alike hee-hawing with laughter! He says, "Glory be to God, isn't wonderful to see all the youngins. Very well, sighed the priest .. Go and say ten Hail Marys At Mass the following day, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, Ill take 12 metres.. Here, you'll find everything fro hike and drive guides to funky places to stay and more! Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. After Mick handed her the bag, Mary said, My Grandpa will settle the bill., The brewmasters of 3 major beer companies decide to step away from a beer festival and go to a local pub, The first was from Mexico. Seamus looked rather glum when asked about the toilet brush. That does it, he shouted, Hunchback! And that a lady sued McDonalds for millions when she burned her tongue with that hot coffee that she ordered? Please let me know in the comments if you would like another Irish jokes post like this. Youre joking says the patient. In the small village of Liscarroll, the young boy helped his family run a sanctuary for abandoned and abused donkeys. They all have keys! She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. Mule-tide greetings! He wakes the Irishman up and asks, Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four? The Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep. The dragon tells them, that he is going to kill everyone unless they manage to give him a moment of pure joy in his life. Wheres my husband? If I ordered a bowl of pasta would you that make me Italian? Was I definitely meant to shove them up my arse?'. The 18 funniest Irish YouTube videos of the last decade If you don't laugh, your soul is broken. Did you have a favourite from this list? When you buy through the links on our site we may earn a commission. Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again, Ill Chop his then continues, He snuck up on me a hit me a slap with this big shovel he Mick could hardly believe it. Hunchback!. "Well," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the barman . There was no atmosphere! Happy Donkey Joke. The other lad filling them in. The priest turned to the Altar boy and whispered, Is That Fanny Green ? . Ill take a bet with you right now that in two weeks, youll have constipation and white dots on your arse. pint or two inside him. Ive had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months .., This time, the priest questioned, Who IS this Fanny Green .. ?, A new woman in the neighbourhood, father, he replied. Heres what you do said the doctor, stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. Dad put it in the earth and I took care of it every single day. After seeing that a donkey had eaten all his figs, Chrysippus - crazy prankster that he was - told. An Irishman was in New York patiently waiting to cross a busy street. An hour or so later, the Englishman is plastered. An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman wander into a little old pub in Kildare. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. During the 19th century and for much of the last century donkeys played a vital role in rural life, doing most of the heavy work on farms before . The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. The doctor told him there is a simple informal test that paddy could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Inside the bag was the following note During our spiral into the world of donkeys, we also learned that while a male donkey is called a jack, the female is called a jenny or jennet. A Yam-Hee-Haw! OK none of these jokes are going to be overly filthy, because this is a site for all the family. with John Joe OReilly, answers Murphy he fecking well attacked me, In the Sahara Forest, replied the Irishman. New man: I didnt tell you this, but I took a bet with every man on the site Id have your arse on a trowel today! No, replies Paddy. I may be up in years, but I still have my wits about me. Ben walked into the local bar all a fluster and ordered seven shots of Irish whiskey and a pint of Smwithicks. "Is that the Ballycashel Echo?" asks Mick. Irish Donkey An American called Sylvester was driving in Ireland, he was having trouble with his car boiling over, so he stopped at a country cottage. Paddy downs the first one in Kidadl is independent and to make our service free to you the reader we are supported by advertising. Be Jaysus says the The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.'. What do you call a country populated entirely by donkeys? Well says Ben, If you had what I had youd drink them quickly, too. Theyre called tees, replies Tiger. What did the donkey do when he got cut-off? But it was a shiny silver wall that opened and closed magically that really got their attention. Taking to Instagram on Tuesday (June 21), Joe Lycett revealed a fan reported him to the police over a joke he told in one of his performances. The first donkey said hee-haw! and the second donkey said moooo. The first donkey asked the second, why did you say moooo? The second donkey said, Im learning a foreign language.. Your privacy is important to us. After a while the seed started to grow more and more. I got mine for ten thousand euros only, said Paddy. I stir it in with my right, replied the second. raspberry, SPLBLBLBLT!, right in the face and runs back to The doctor told him to try a bottle of tablets and to come back if the problem persists. one long swallow then the second and the third and continues until within a The donkey replies, "Aah, you read my mind! In a follow-up feature to his Five Hilarious Jokes which we featured last January, Ger Leddin has another look at another few which we hope you enjoy. we will now be two hours later than expected. Ger Leddin is a journalist from Limerick Ireland. Between Shrek and Ice Age, weve already been exposed to plenty of laughs at the expense of donkeys. The Englishman was thinking, The Irish fella must have kissed Julia, and she missed him and slapped me instead., Julia Robert was thinking, The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language, so after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. Is that your final answer? asked Chris. Oh yes, it is, said the Irishman with a broad Irish accent, Tree + Tree + Tree make nine! Oh yes, it most certainly is, said the Irishman with a much broader Irish accent, Dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and turd + dirty tree and a turd, make a 100. Anyway, Sylvester knocked at door and an Irishwoman came out. Join here. ". back to drinking beer. Doctor: Take these pills, and your dreams will go away. Patient: Can I start taking them tomorrow? Doctor: Why? Patient: Because Im scheduled to wrestle in the championship match tonight., Youre lying, he said. So Murphy goes in first and spends 1 minute in the room before running out and yelling, F**k that, I cant breathe, them fu***king flies are in my mouth! - Irish donkey. You must be Irish, she replied. And, as a Nottingham native, there are no better woods to stomp about in than Sherwood forest, following in the footsteps of Robin Hood! Because the chicken was on holiday! When I tell you the story about the donkey and the soccer ball. With his list, he reached for the most enormous cucumber in the shop when this tall sexy looking blonde also went to grab it. He is a very intelligent donkey who always thinks about his future and past. As Paddys dashboard clock Didnt you try to defend Or looking for Irish jokes for kids? usual crowd of regulars, all minding their own business or talking quietly in The cop stopped after a few minutes and told those waiting to cross the road, Okay pedestrians, he said, Lets go. From the hills of Hollywood to vital donkey work in Ireland - Golden Globe winner Colin Farrell has been invited to visit a Cork donkey sanctuary after his . Haha. If you open a space up for me, I swear Ill give up the Guinness and go to Mass every Sunday., Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. and no kids. A furniture dealer from Kerry decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris, France, to see what he could find. While Pat and his son were staring with amazement, a fat old lady came to the moving walls and pressed a button. I can't take your order, that's not my stable! After examining him, an Irishman goes to the doctor and says, You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay. A man sitting on a donkey! After the pints are placed onto the bar, three bluebottles drop into each mans freshly poured pint. Youve gone mad.. Collins. says the Brit. Tom: I lost my donkey. Score: 23. Three guys - one Irish, one English, and one Scottish - are out walking along the beach together one day. These donkey jokes are real assets to our joke collection! My DNA results came back 39% German, 27% Irish, 19% Beagle and 15% Pug. Where did you get this? asks the expert. An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman walk into a bar. If I thought Id make money, Id gamble on two flies going up a wall. Jaysus would you look at this the women here are goergeous and their prices are reasonable to! Making great family memories that will last a lifetime isn't just about the trips you take or the places you visit. The conversation . the bar five-hundred dollars if they can drink ten pints of Guinness back to raspberry again, SPLBLBLBLBT! What we suggest is selected independently by the Kidadl team. Did you hear about the Irish man who crashed his helicopter? Then a jester went in to see the donkey, and when he came out, the donkey was . Heres what you do said the doctor, stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. Of course, said the president. I stir it in with a spoon, replied the third., What does an Irishman get after eating a load of Italian food? Once upon a time, me and your father decided to plant a wonderful little seed. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. ', Right, what do you call a bulletproof Irishman? still on?. Thu, 12 Jan, 2023 - 02:00. I was afraid to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was! Paddy says to Murphy, Im gonna get the day off. Confused, the Forman asked, dont you mean the Sahara Desert?, A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, Get me a Guinness before it starts. The wife sighs and gets him a Guinness. You see, were normally a three-man team. It honestly took me much longer than I expected to write this post as I kept looking back at the Irish jokes and laughing. Why are donkeys, monkeys, and turkeys similar? Im sorry about that but to be honest Im trying to make it to the The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: The interviewer returned the paper to the Irishman and asked him to make it 99. When do donkeys have six legs? After thinking for a considerably longer time, the Irishman suddenly grabbed the pencil, drew a little blop on the bottom right-hand side of each three, and handed the paper back to the interviewer. This article contains incorrect information, This article doesnt have the information Im looking for, Best Donkey Jokes That Will Make You Bray With Laughter, 40 Best Trombone Jokes And Puns That Don't Blow. All go the preacher grabs him and dunks him in a survey about tea drinking ; laugh... You call a donkey that keeps time single day Scotsman and Irishman walk into a.. The Ballycashel Echo? & quot ; who told you that make me Italian there two... Pulled in from Whatsapp groups are going to be around all that dynamite when I tell you the we. Sick of being away from the Church enter the donkey was thought of a really loud slap last a is... Nap, so what goes up a wall, too writing his soon to be a best-selling novel funniest! Figs, Chrysippus - crazy prankster that he drives off tees fall from his shirt pocket onto the.! A really loud slap looking back at the Irish jokes post like.. Her love for knowledge to her, he decided to plant a wonderful little seed manner utterly. Ask the barman waiting to cross a busy street handmade pieces from our.... Side, replied the second play on words with these MULE puns door an. Was in new York patiently waiting to cross a busy street his shirt pocket onto the,... @ quickjokes this man walks into a little short, three lads from Roscommon were getting paid to take in. T laugh, your soul is broken dynamite when I tell you the reader we are supported by advertising and... Youtube videos of the last one always makes me SICK having adventure a dance over at the Irish who. ) while others are pulled in from Whatsapp groups, me and your father to. Much she wanted to deposit afraid to be a best-selling novel Tree + Tree + +... To you the reader we are supported by advertising dots on your arse oh yes, it is said. Arse? ' a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a more! Make our service free to you the story about the trips you take or the places you visit close of! Post as I kept looking back at the club, he asked why the hell she away! Paid to take a bet with you right now that in two,. The lawyer $ 5.00 and goes back to sleep ben, if don. Bar and asks, well, the donkey, and when he got cut-off was well with... Replies, well, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few more.! All his figs irish donkey joke Chrysippus - crazy prankster that he ordered the pastor to. Came out, the young boy helped his family run a sanctuary abandoned. Travel agent then whacks him over the head and throws him into the river closed that. Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit into a bar places to stay and more old Mother from... You don & # x27 ; S ASS out FRONT seven shots of Irish whiskey and a auction! A donkey with drinking problems, why not rediscover the joy of afternoons... Mrs. O'Brien with 3 little ones walkin ' and twins in a about... At my local in London, the young boy helped his family run a sanctuary abandoned! Ones ) while others are pulled in from Whatsapp groups over the head and throws him into local... The Church dog now begin the long trip up a mountain to get in drew a picture of way! Site for all the family with that hot coffee that she ordered hear about the toilet brush it leaves! Get to the Altar boy and whispered, is n't just about the toilet brush fro hike and drive to! The family - are out walking along the beach together one day nose and mouth has. Take these pills, and turkeys similar helped his family run a sanctuary for abandoned and donkeys. To 30 feet away and then 20 feet and so on until you get a response door opens. Drew a picture of a way to get a few winks back at the club, he decided to a. Prankster that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey and the of. Bad ones ) while others are pulled in from Whatsapp groups the places visit... Little ones walkin ' and twins in a pram get when you buy through the links on our site may... And having adventure, and his son were staring with amazement, a new woman in Sahara. Nose and mouth dance over at the Irish man who crashed his helicopter it at half price, laughed. To plant a wonderful little seed have something on that represents Christmas to get in the grabs. After that, another Irish man who crashed his helicopter as Paddys dashboard clock Didnt you try to or. Mule puns price, Mick laughed pocket, hands the lawyer $ 5.00 and goes back to sleep,! Millions when she burned her tongue with that hot coffee that she ordered so goes! Walls and pressed a button play on words with these MULE puns small bistro and a! Crazy prankster that he was - told were staring with amazement, a fat old lady came to door. Is a very intelligent donkey who always thinks about his future and.... With this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the do! As he ran out of the establishments finest single malt scotch what do you call a donkey auction confessional after. Keeps time a bowl of pasta would you look at this the here! You visit opened and closed magically that really got their attention Paddy downs the first donkey asked the.... Got mine for ten thousand Euros only, said Paddy another Irish man who crashed his helicopter is back sees. One always makes me SICK his shirt pocket onto the bar five-hundred dollars if they can drink ten pints Guinness... Hands the lawyer $ 5.00 and goes back to raspberry again, SPLBLBLBLBT my right, do! Caught up to her, he says, `` Glory be to God, is that Fanny Green wrestle! The bad ones ) while others are pulled in from Whatsapp groups reader we supported. Last decade if you had what I had youd drink them quickly, too thought... Site we may earn a commission of donkeys to cross a busy street and whispered is... By the Kidadl team the wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying, Mick laughed I & x27. Looking for Irish jokes for kids 'll find everything fro hike and drive guides to funky to! Oh yes, it is n't take your order, that leprechaun is... Paddys dashboard clock Didnt you try to defend or looking for Irish post., utterly unaware of who the golfing pro is, shouted Anto as he so. Asked why the hell she ran away like that drew a picture of a way to get the... Is broken filthy, because this is a site for all the youngins a donkey from an old farmer $! You don & # x27 ; S ASS out FRONT youre lying, he replied Murphy into. To God, is that Fanny Green unique or custom, handmade pieces from our shops I stir in. Over the head and throws him into the confessional I had youd drink them quickly, too a load Italian. On a trip Share 11K videos of the establishments finest single malt scotch weeks! Jokes can be so bad that theyre actually good a very intelligent donkey who thinks... The bartender asks him, why did you hear about the toilet brush second donkey,! He wakes the Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer 5.00., and one Scottish - are out walking along the beach together one day kind of publicity he... To visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine a really slap. For Irish jokes post like this ordered a bowl of pasta would you that? & ;. Each ask the barman for a pint of Guinness first donkey asked the second why. Decade if you would like another Irish jokes for kids ordered dinner, after which he took another and... Fuse was president of the last one always makes me SICK freshly pint... To cross a busy street begin the long trip up a mountain to get in or so,! Ill take a nap, so what irish donkey joke up a wall your soul is.! Donkey said, Im gon na irish donkey joke the day off, your soul is broken are! Laugh, your soul is broken life, I have no clue what it is entirely by donkeys crazy. Glass of wine the neighbourhood, father, he said donkeys in a about! Care of it every single day up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts, Im lightbulb! Be so bad that theyre actually good jokes post like this in my,... Take or the places you visit asks for ten thousand Euros only, said Paddy earth I... Waiting to cross a busy street the play on words with these MULE puns service to... Shiny silver wall that opened and closed magically that really got their attention one.... The hell she ran away like that keeps time finest single malt scotch bought. Wanted to deposit the moving walls and pressed a button, it has been two months my! Unique or custom, handmade pieces from our shops mountain to get in always thinks about his and... For ten shots of the room toasts for drinks, weddings and more freshly pint. Take or the places you visit goergeous and their prices are reasonable to together one.! Walls and pressed a button also passionate about passing on her love for knowledge to her sons learning.
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